Hey, Teach For America! Gimme Training! I Wanna Work Miracles Too!

Tuesday-I am writing this post today because I have a very serious announcement to make.  I am running for school board but I am also out of work.  Sad to say that my teaching skills aren’t cleanly transferrable to the jobs I have been applying for, such as fireman, acupuncturist or Superintendent of Seattle Schools.  So I have been forced to make a drastic decision.  

I need to be re-trained.

I know!  Ugh.  But here’s the thing, I don’t want to go back to school and get yet another degree (all those letters after my name, who would want that?).  I just want my teaching job back with the least amount of training possible, something I could do in a little more than a month. 

But what?

Hey, I heard that the Teach For America program takes raw recruits and turns them into Teachers in 5 weeks!  Now, that is impressive.  I wonder how they do it?  Subliminal messages in their sleep? A magic potion?  Max’s Miracle Pill (with the chocolate coating)? Vulcan mind meld?

I don’t care!  I need to work and since the District is getting rid of those veteran teachers who are just in it for the free office supplies and the chance to embezzle their department’s budget, and replacing them with TFA miracle workers, I am going to join up.  I wanna work miracles!

You’ve heard about these TFA missionaries, descending on troubled school districts like blessed angels and saving our poor children from teachers who spend their days looking up recipes, chatting on Facebook and smoking cigarettes in the book closet.  These TFA’ers are going to close the Achievement Gap, keep our kids in school, cure the common cold, and show those “educators” a thing or two. 

And I am going to be right there with them, wearing my complimentary TFA  sweatshirt.  (I do get one right?).  I will be uber-trained! I will be invincible! I will be able to leap tall bookcases in a single bound!  Look up on the second floor it’s a bird! it’s an administrator! No, It’s SuperTeacherMan!  I will be so damn effective because of my 5 weeks with the TFA trainers that the District will love me again.  I will not have to worry about silly things like job security, or paying my mortgage or….chuckle….eating. 

AND on top of all of this, I get a (used, 1^st generation) IPAD!  Thanks Mr. Jobs!

It won’t matter that I am 47 and not nearly as good-looking as the other TFA recruits, who are, judging by the Picture in the window at the Apple Store, an incredibly good looking group of people.  Will it?  I’ll get BOTOX injections if my brow is too furrowed to look Bright-eyed. 

I am going to contact them today!  And all you lazy-ass, 40 oz. guzzling, welfare mothers…..I mean teachers (it’s not 1994!), you better stand back because I got 5 weeks baby, 5 weeks of solid gold training and I ain’t afraid to use it.

Wait a minute.  Oh man, what if all the Teachers in Seattle got the same idea as me?  What if TFA was inundated with Veteran Teachers who want to get their 5 weeks and work miracles too?  What will happen then?  I know some of the teachers in the District and they are way smarter than me.  I’ll never get in.  Harrumph!

Maybe I can still be an acupuncturist.  How hard can that be?